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September 2012

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Sep. 20th, 2012

(no subject)

I'm single now

Sep. 17th, 2012

i try to say goodbye

something we dont talk about, something i wont tell you.  i miss you, so much it breaks my heart at times.  i dont know how you do this so easily moving on completely and not thinking about it.  for years you stood by my side through so much and now we dont talk.  everything has gotten to the point where it is so messed up and i am about to lose everything every part of who i am.  i have lost so much already and i honestly dont know what to do.  you meant the world to me and u never saw it mainly bc i had a crappy way of showing it.  i screwed up so much its unreal i know i did but i never believed that u really felt anything towards me bc u as well had a crappy way of showing it but no matter what u and i always worked we understood eachother we got it.  we knew the quirks we knew the buttons we knew the pain and what every tear meant why every smile was there.  not a day goes by that i dont think of you and i try not to i really do but its hard especially since i know u dont think of me.  i try to say goodbye i try and leave it all behind i know the friendship set before us is just a game u play bc u know i still care even if you dont.  how can i make you care or isthere even a point? i honestly dont think there is a point.  i think its time to say goodbye i think its time to let go and realize you never did care and u never will care bc thats how u r atleast towards me.  am i better off? is this the best decision? will i cave again? is it possible for me to hear your voice and not smile.  can i see ur face and not want the smile to be because of me? can i let go? is there a point in grieving? i know u r gone and part of me is too so why cant all of me go? all of u is gone i know it.  i blamed you.  i know this is my fault.  i started this.  two wrongs dont make a right...thats what they say but when another wrong is made it can make u feel better i guess.  whats funny is i KNOW you dont care.  i know im a big joke to you and all i do for you so y continue? and that answers my question.  i wont love you anymore i wont call i wont try bc i dont care....THIS IS MY GOODBYE

wow

seriously i cannot stand his ex and there is nothing i can do about it bc they have a kid together and if he doesnt play nice she dangles his kid over his head it is so annoying...but i wish he wouldnt encourage her to be the way she is.  i may not be the best looking girl in the world but i look so much better then that.  i hate her with a passion. but what can i do everytime i tell him im annoyed by the way they talk it gets us into a fight.

Sep. 16th, 2012

broken

ur heart breaks when u start to realize everyone u thought was there for you actually isnt and there is nothing u can do about it but sit and wonder why the world lies.

a new day

i honestly have no words for today so far, woke up late to comments on my facebook that were low....i kind of went off but the difference with me is that i went off in a private message instead of blasting it on facebook.  i hate facebook.  also im starting to question my relationship.  it has been almost 5 months with us but these next couple months i can tell are going to be hard.  we each have children with past partners and holidays and birthdays and such are going to be really hard bc neither of us trust the others exes.  i just dont know.  how do u know when u can trust someone when they do things untrustworthy.  however i guess i do to but i care and plan to change the things that i do.  there is no room for change when it comes to him.  its more a less if u dont like it oh well live with it.  and so i am silenced and that is my fate to be.  he asks me whats wrong and then gets mad about what it is.  i guess that i should just be done talking about the issues at hand since they dont matter anyway.  that is the easiest thing to do but i have this uncontrolable need to always say whats on my mind...how do i change that?

hmm

what is in an expectation if not some form of failure?

beyond all odds

i have learned to accept defeat in its natural surroundings.  for me it is a constant reminder that i mess up and thus far i have learned to live with it.  i mess up alot.  currently i dont get to see my kids nearly as much as i would like to mainly on my decision bc it was the best possible decsion for them.  i have the time for them and everything of the sort however i can not full take care of them on my own and they are with family and such that i know will take care of them the only problem is that family is 45 minutes or so away and i miss them like crazy. 
people tend to make me promises however that they cannot keep.  everyone does it and unintentionally break them but what is a promise if not meant to be broken...just like a heart...no one can fully be with u without breaking ur heart.  even in the relationships that start and u r their only one and live a lifetime together still break hearts at some point it is completely inevitable

determination out of instinct

u start to question the coincedence that u may feel the same way that i have been feeling for months and curious enough it does hurt doesnt it? i tend to divulge myself into a seeming sense of self pity out of hope that i can overcome these feelings of jeoulousness towards the others that have the potential to steal your heart and my time with you and now i feel as though maybe u might be feeling it to and as much as i dont like it i also enjoy it bc maybe for once just maybe u can feel what i have felt for so long.  u question what i do when u arent around, who i am with who i talk to why i take my phone.   i have nothing to hide from u i am but only me in a sea of millions but not a single one of them is worth my risk of not having u to stand beside me.  my heart belongs to only one and that one is who bears ur name, it is only u but u cant see that bc u just as i am blinded by past convictions.  temptation is nothing if it means leaving u.  i know u feel as if imperfection is the best way to describe u however perfect is completely fake, its a falsehood for those who need to feel as if there is better out there they can do better they can better they are not enough without some form of a goal.. i do not wish to seek perfection.  its the things about me and my quirks my flaws my everyday every part of me that make me who i am and without that i am no one bc with perfection if it was real it would be everyone and we as a whole would be no one but alike in every way that we deem perfect.  existence is futile and perfection doesnt exist and i love most all of your imperfection bc they make u my kind of perfect.
seemingly i wish for forgiveness of the things that i have done wrong in my past and though i know i will never be able to take back those things i know that i made alot of wrong choices...i do not expect anyone to forget just forgive if possible.  and realize that without those mistakes i would not be where i am right now and yes i know at this very moment i am making mistakes...everyone is or they r paying for one but at the same time without the past whether it be good or bad we learn and move forth and grow into to someone else someone better, stronger, wiser, more careful.  seek forgiveness but never regret bc if u regret what u did then u regret who u became bc of it

Sep. 15th, 2012

love


love...what is it? allowing urself the potential of being hurt...and hoping it never happens.  I try my hardest to make him happy I do what I can so y does it always seem like its never enough? I'm happy I'm truly happy but how do I know he is if he doesn't show it.  how will I ever know...I know for a fact that I love him so much more then those three words will ever express

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trust


u say u trust me....u know trust is an issue for me but obviously it is for u to

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